Noe Means No: The E's for Emphasis
By Nikisha M Moise

It's Friday afternoon. You leave work via euphoric ticker tape parade with co-workers. It’s a mad rush through the front doors. They're hitting the local watering hole. You're hitting the dance floor. You're a salsera.

You choose dinner carefully. No onions. No garlic. Nothing that will produce foul gas. After a shower, you don your best dance outfit, and on the way to your salsa venue, you think of shines and hope your favourite salseros will show up.

You step onto the scene. The clave marks your steps and excitement builds. A tap on the shoulder. It’s that smooth dancer you took a workshop with a few months ago. Off you go. It’s a great dance. You rest on the sidelines and take in the room, checking out moves, waving hello.

Then you see him. Him. The one person who can conceivably kill your salsa high. Mr. I’m-severely-allergic-to-good-manners-and-hygiene.

He smells like eau de Gorgonzola et un peu de poo. From his smile you can surmise he had spinach for dinner… or… dirt?

“Would you like to dance?” he asks.

A look of horror washes over your face. It’s a look everyone in the room can see. They feel pity for you.

“No, thanks.” A weak smile. His sweat drips into a growing puddle at your feet. You step away.

“Please,” he whimpers, affecting a sad, puppy face.

“No, really. No, thanks.” Stand firm.

“Aw. You seem like such a nice girl.” He had to go there.

Being nice does not exclude freedom of choice or will. It does not mean people can tell you what to do or force you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.

See, you’re not comfortable dancing with the Thing from Sweat Swamp, breathing in his stench for the length of a song. He’s going to do the basic step for the length of the song and chat you up, strike that, he’s going to conduct an interview and ask you one inane question after the other.

“That’s right. I’m a nice girl. I had a little consideration and had a shower before I got here. When I get sweaty on the dance floor, I go to the ladies room and freshen up. Did you know the paper towels are free? Insane, huh?” Walk away.

You have a couple more great dances. In the corner of your eye you see Stinky haunting you like a spineless ghost. Argh!

How many salseras recount sad tales such as these? I’m sure every single one.

Salsa is a social dance. For the length of a song, you enter into a temporary partnership. The desired outcome of that partnership is an enjoyable dance and it is achieved when partners abide by the implicit terms of partnership. These terms are much like driving on the road.

Before you get on the road

Make sure your vehicle is roadworthy. Fill the tank. Top up the oil.

This translates to having a good meal about an hour or so before dancing. You’ll be burning lots of calories. Have a shower. Don’t worry, you won’t melt. A little spritz of cologne won’t hurt. I said little spritz. Pouring cologne over your head and gargling it is not acceptable and maybe you should see somebody about that.
Know the road signs and obey them

Stop means stop. Not slow down.

When you ask for a dance, if the answer is yes with a smile, that’s a good sign. If there is a delay in response, eyes desperately seeking the nearest exit, that’s a bad sign. Any facial expression that’s not a smile is a bad sign. “No” means “No.” “No, thank you,” means “No, and I’m classy.” Arm folding means, “Hell, no. And you smell.”

Drive defensively

Stay within the lines and watch out for other cars, especially when turning.

This one should be a no-brainer but it’s not, so I’m bustin’ out the caps.

WATCH WHERE YOU DANCE. WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING.

Hit and run? Shame on you. Stop to apologize.
Sheesh.

No tailgating

Keep a safe stopping distance between cars. If you get a “bad drive” from another motorist, don’t follow them with intent to intimidate.

If someone declined a dance, don’t follow him or her around with hopes of changing their mind. This sort of behaviour makes you a Class C driver. Creepy. You do not want to be labelled a creep. It’s a label that’s adhered with duct tape, Krazy glue and zero gauge wire (just in case).

Air Care

Who wants to be a source of pollution?

This is the part where you use your imagination. Ah, you’re so creative!

No stunts on major roadways

Wheelies, stoppies, donuts, ramping and other dare devil displays are not permitted.

Save your tricks for the stage and studio.

Frequent car washing and waxing shows off that great paint job

Have a little pride in your ride.

Shower. Bath. Soap. Water. Always.

In the event of precipitation, turn on the windshield wipers.

A clear windshield ensures good vision of the road and safety.

Wipe away excessive sweat. Go to the gents or keep a hankie. You’re dancing, not watering the lawn.

Watch that clutch!

Don’t assume you can grind with strangers.

Here’s to an entertaining and safe social salsa dance floor!